Thank You for Flying Continental Airlines
By Don Iannone

It's early.
Six AM to be exact.
No sign of sun at this hour
in mid-October in Cleveland.
We're about to take off.
It's that pregnant time
between the gate and the runway.
The plane is jam packed.
Reminds me of a flying sardine can.
I have a winning campaign slogan
for Ohio's next governor:
"Middle seats on all airplanes taking off
and landing in Ohio should be outlawed."
We worry about terrorists...
how about the snoring cowboy next to me?
When is that "beam me up Scotty" technology
going to be available?
I'll bet Continental Airlines has it,
but won't release it
because the company bought too many airplanes--
all of which have those insane middle seats.
Travel is a pain.
No such thing as comfort and convenience.
Both are lost arts,
like a good night's sleep, and
a dry cleaner that really presses wrinkles out of shirts.
Why do I sound like that drone Andy Rooney from 60 Minutes?
God help me if I do.
No roses to smell this morning--
just a snoot full of jet fuel fumes.
How I hate that smell.
Where's that gourmet coffee described
in the Continental flight magazine?
I need caffeine now!
I promise I won't spill it during take-off.
Trust me--
I have a steady hand
when there's a drink in it.
I guess this is the price you pay
for being in business for yourself,
and having clients 2,300 miles away.
Anyway, thank you for flying Continental Airlines.